Love and separation: Coping with love and distance

Coping with love and distance Love and separation

Is a long-distant relationship doomed from the start? Why are there so many stories of couples NOT making it?

Making the rounds in social networks these days is a new acronym: LDR. Short for Long Distance Relationships.

This afternoon, I was reading a post called 10 Reasons Why Long-distance Relationships Just Don’t Work by Tom Scheve. Scheve has listed 10 pretty compelling reasons why distance in a relationship is ultimately ill-fated. But, just the fact that I have seen so many LDRs cope and thrive under pressure has forced me to think otherwise.

Agreed, communication levels have increased many fold these days. I also agree that, as the author puts it:

…these forms of communication often don’t pay off with a truly fulfilling interaction. Whereas it was once easy to chat in person, now those normal, daily interactions are severely curtailed. It requires real effort to keep in touch and feel connected.

True.

But if that is true, then it’s also true that your relationship is not working. Dr. Paul R. VeHorn (or the Love Doctor) is a relationship expert and author and writes several online blogs. Take a look at his take on the signs that your long-distance relationship is not working, on eHow.com.

VIDEO: How to Determine Whether Your Long-Distance Relationship Is Working

The relationship rule

Shyma (name withheld on request), a good friend, and Ritesh were seeing each other for over a year. Last year, because of parental pressure from Ritesh’s side (they didn’t approve of Shyma), they decided to leave town to start a new life, and hence start applying for jobs together. The plan was, he would go first, she would follow.

Now, here’s the twist. Armed with her relatively higher work experience, she got a good offer immediately. But he didn’t. Promising to get there as soon as possible, he sent her off. And so began their LDR.

Ritesh tells me, “Shyma and I talk almost 6-7 times a day. I know it might sound cheesy and crazy to people. Some friends ask me, “What do you guys talk about?”‘ with exasperation. But, I know hearing her voice every now and then keeps me happy. It cannot, of course, be compared to her physical presence; but if that’s the best we can do, well, we do it.”

The couple also has a ‘rule’. Shyma says, “We have made it a point to meet up every month. So whether he makes a trip here, or I make a trip there, we make sure we have the monthly date night.”

But what is it that makes this couple tick? According to Ritesh, “We both have decided that this long-distance thing is just temporary. I am still trying for jobs there, so once that happens, I’ll move.” Shyma adds, “…and if he doesn’t get one in the stipulated time, I move back.”

My good friend and sports journalist Kartik moved to Oman from Mumbai, when he got a job as a sports reporter in one of Oman’s popular dailies. “The offer was better, and so was the money, so I moved for us, Priya and I,” he says. Also one of those men who call every day, Kartik tells me, “We text, chat online, but I make sure I call every single day. It’s what keeps us going. Basically it’s a test of nerves when you are that far apart.”

Now, with his annual leave coming up, Kartik is ecstatic. “I can’t wait to come back to India.” But what about future plans? “I have to sit down with Priya and discuss,” he says.

Dr. VeHorn, in this next VIDEO, gives his tips on How to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Last. Take a look.

Agreed, the cons somehow far outweigh the pros of a LDR. And yet, somehow, couples endure. How?

A couple, both friends of mine, Ahmad and Amreen, had a long-distance relationship for four years before they got married three years back. “No one should ever go through a long distance relationship,” says Amreen. “There are too many cons surrounding it.”

So what, I ask, helped them cope? According to Ahmad, a couple of things are very crucial.

Maturity levels: To overcome all the cons, one needs to be practical. Along with an LDR comes a variety of negative feelings; frustration, possessiveness, even trust issues. And to make sure these don’t creep into your relationship and ruin it, you and your partner need to have a sensible head on your shoulders.

A goal: A relationship is not child’s play. And especially in an LDR, a couple needs to know where they are headed to make the distance tolerable. Amreen says, “It’s always a good idea if the parents know. It gives you direction.”

Optimum communication: “Not too much. Not too little,” says Ahmad. Too much communication can end up in jealousy and possessiveness. Too less communication can end up in, well, frustration.

Jharna and Manan, another LDR couple (now married) also went through some struggles with their relationship. “Time was a major factor. He was in the US and I was in Mumbai. Also, the relatively free of the two might just think the other is not giving enough time,” says Jharna. “But since my mother knew about our relationship, and we had planned for a solid future, the interim period of being away from each other seemed okay.”

So my question is, why is there is a blanket statement doing the rounds that a long distant relationship is doomed from the start? Why are there so many stories of couples NOT making it?

Does a Long Distance Relationship really work? In my experience, I have seen only positive ones. In my own family, my sister has been seeing her boyfriend for eight years, out of which, six were long-distant! And I cannot help but believe, that with the correct ingredients, an LDR can be endured.

What do you think?